Chapter Text
It only takes a week for everything to devolve into some kind of chaos.
Three things happen to create a butterfly affect that makes the evening of a Manhattan-wide blackout really goddamn awkward.
Don’t worry, I’ll be quick about it.
--
Firstly, Jackie gets a job.
Jackie is many things, pragmatic being one she savours most, she knows that the others had thought her ridiculous at times (and while that isn’t entirely untrue sometimes, she dislikes the fact that it’s one of the first things to come to mind). She needs to pay the rent and her parents have most likely already changed bank or something, simply to shame Jackie from the way she shamed them in the way that she became free. Being busy all day will also help her not think about the reason that she left Jeff, the reason that she’s here instead of New Jersey.
So she sets out to do the one thing she never has: get a job. It just so happens that Tai says the same thing, cornering her practically into the fridge before telling her to get out of the way so she can put some milk in her coffee.
“Please.” Jackie practically begs Nat, who tries not to explain to her that working and living with the same person is kind of an absolute f*cking nightmare. The other woman, though, realises that she has hardly any money, hardly any friends and hardly any experience; this really is the only place that she can work. Nat knows that this could end well, but there’s just something about Jackie that’s ever-so-slightly pitiful. She feels bad even thinking it, but Jackie Taylor, Yellowjackets captain extraordinaire, champion of hom*oerotic friendships, is leaning over a coffee shop bar and pleading for a job which most would turn their nose up at, her too-big eyes almost watering, that is just, it’s a little sad.
“Do you know how to use the machine?” Nat motions toward a behemoth of a machine, it’s a piece of sh*t that makes some damn good coffee. Jackie swallows the bubble of fear which starts to crawl up her oesophagus and nods her head.
“I can learn.” Jackie’s voice quickly jumps to her own defence, bubbly and fronting. Jackie can hear it against her own ears, the harshness of the defence and the obvious eagerness displayed across her vowels. You see, Jackie isn’t always aware of herself, of her tone and her words come out in the wrong order more often than not. She always tries to say the right thing, in her mind she’s only trying to help, but it sometimes comes out wrong. This is not one of those times, Jackie is very aware of how she sounds, how she appears and she cringes at herself. There’s nothing inherently wince-worthy about asking for a job, but the needy way that she goes after it makes her almost turn around and tell Nat that it’s not worth it.
And then Nat raises her eyebrow, a small smile across her face – the kind that’s almost disbelieving but proud all at once. It’s the same kind that she would give across the pitch after Jackie would score a penalty. She didn’t often take penalties, reader, that was more Tai’s game, Shauna would get chosen if they needed a rocket, Lottie if a sneaky one was required, but Jackie put herself to the side each time so that others could get their spotlight, but now and again she would and it would be good and Nat would offer a smile and a nod and it felt like heaven.
“Different types of coffee?”
“No.”
“Orders?”
“That, I can remember that, I did all the scrimmages and positions, remember?” Jackie says, even though that was after months and months of planning and reading and making Shauna test her, over and over until she could see her own handwriting across flashcards when she slept.
Tenacious, Nat realises, this woman is not going to stop until she gets a job here. It’s sweet, how hard she’s trying, her hair tied back, her fringe falling into her eyes as she speaks, head jerking to push it away after a sentence. Her hands rest on her hips, lip falling into her mouth and getting trapped between two teeth as Nat makes her choice. Technically, she’s a manager here, she has hiring powers – she hasn’t hired anyone yet because the fewer people, the more shifts, the more money. But Jackie’s looking at her like a wet cat and, well, we have already established that Natalie’s rough-and-tumble exterior often melts like chocolate in the sun.
“You’re a waitress.” She points at Jackie, who lets out a grin the size of Texas, disbelieving and joyful that she has a goddamn job, her first ever one. “Do not touch the machine, you take people’s orders and only touch the pot. You got it?”
“Only the pot, got it, got it.” She throws up three fingers as a promise and Nat bats them away.
“You weren’t a f*ckin’ scout.” Nat jokes, in her head she’s pretty sure that if Jackie was put in a survival situation that she would die from poison ivy or something (or the cold, or something asinine – she’s built for the city and social situations, not the great outdoors). Jackie stares at the hand that Nat bats away for a second before dropping it down the side of her waist, mouth dropping open slightly.
“That’s what that means?”
“Oh my God.”
“When do I start?” Jackie asks, a little jump in her, excitement spreading throughout her. Nat pulls scratches the back of her neck to mull it over.
“Uh, tomorrow? I’ll get all the forms you need to fill out and sh*t.”
“I have a job!” Jackie almost squeals, already leaning over the counter to hug Natalie; who rears back but not nearly enough for her surprisingly strong hands.
“Do not hug me.” Her voice is muffled half-muffled by Jackie’s crisp polo shirt by the time she’s halfway through with her sentence.
“Too late.”
She pulls away and Nat grumbles, it’s a show, reader, deep down she doesn’t mind the hug at all, Jackie always had a penchant for good hugs.
“You’ve been here five minutes and you’re already ruining my reputation.”
“You like me.”
“Shut up.”
--
Secondly, Tai and Van have an argument.
You see, they have rules. Rules that get bent more often than not because Taissa can’t resist Van’s grin and Van can’t stop falling over themselves to make Tai happy so, yes, their rules get broken. Sometimes, they stay over at each other’s places after wearing themselves out, sweat soaked skin and panting chests and they fall asleep with their arms pressed around each other. Sometimes they forget themselves and end up calling each other all number of names (baby, honey, angel, ilove-), sometimes they almost catch themselves telling someone else – Tai looking to Shauna and Van to Nat, Lottie rolls her eyes at even the thought, as if they don’t have an idea of it all.
This time though, their argument begins with something unexpected: a hickey.
Van stands at the doorway of the bathroom, arms flexing as they cross them over and watch Tai attack her neck with concealer. Shauna’s long gone, leaving them alone in the apartment, the midday sun streaming through the bedroom window; they only get an hour on their lunch-breaks, they’re always in a rush by the end. They stand in the open, an argument brewing between the two of them. Tai is goddamn mad, mad that she can’t stop being around, being with Van, mad that she loved it, mad that she’s covering up hickey’s like a teenager, just mad.
“You can’t just do this, Van.” Tai groans. She complains, two thoughts travelling through her mind at breakneck speed. The first is that this makes them obvious, anyone could see it, they would get it immediately and that would mean they would have to stop – and she doesn’t want to stop, even though they probably should. The second thought is more forbidden, that she likes it, she loves it, she loves the feeling of Van’s teeth sinking into her neck, loves the idea of being marked by them. They push off the doorframe and do up their shirt, pulling their tie around their neck.
To be a fly on the wall for these arguments would certainly be interesting, they flick their tie with a little more anger than normal as they fold it over. They want Tai to be happy so f*cking bad, but they can’t keep letting themselves fall on the knifepoint. Next to them, Tai is aggressively pressing the brush against her skin and hoping that no one will notice that she started the day with no makeup on her neck and ended it with concealer caked against her skin. We’re not a fly on the wall though, we can understand them, reader. They have a gravitational pull between the two of them, a sinkhole that they fall into but refuse to see. Even when they’re angry at each other, Tai still drops a hairbrush in front of Van and Van still offers a steadying hand to Taissa as she leans forward to get at the final parts of her neck. They care for each other, but refuse to see the wood from the trees.
“You were pretty adamant on me doing it.” Van replies, more drawling than Tai, finishing up their tie as they speak (that had speed-ran the whole situation, Taissa likes the tie, it’s very easy to tug, to tie up hands, to shove into mouths so yeah, Tai loves the tie), she was whining under their hands and the noises that she made when they bit into her? They’ll be thinking about that for a while.
“So?” Tai asks, as if that has any correlation to the situation, she thinks even though she knows that it does. She’s done, putting the brush down aggressively and stalking out of the bathroom. Van picks up the brush that Tai left for them and begins making tidying the mess that Tai’s hands left as they dragged and pulled and gripped and twisted and-
“Tai, you did a great job at covering it, it’s fine.” They try to placate, their own anger starting to simmer and boil to the surface. Normally, they let it get away, let Tai say what she needs to say, take it on the chin and leave but something about today just makes them snap a little.
“It’s not fine Van!” Tai’s voice is trapped in the other room, Van drops the brush; it falls into the sink with an echoing clatter as they follow. She’s pulling on her shoes, leaning against the wall with a flattened palm while Van watches, at a loss as to what to do apart from burst at the seams. They throw their hands in the air, rolling their eyes.
“Jesus, sorry. I’ll just leave like you always want me to.”
“Oh, always so self-sacrificial.” Tai has this tone of voice that drives Van insane, and not the ripping-clothes-off kind of insane, the claw-their-eyes-from-their-face kind of insane. Her lips wrap around the syllables with a bitter quality, slightly condescending but not patronising and the hint of self-awareness is really what makes it the worst. Van’s teeth get set on edge at the words, at the tone and then even more-so when Tai raggedly pulls a hand through her hair and stares at her watch. It’s a thin-strapped leather thing that she got for a graduation present. The leather is worn and slightly cracked but Tai’s sure that she’ll never get rid of it. Her eyes widen at the time and, like clockwork (the wordplay almost makes Van snort at the idea) she says what she always says: “Jesus, I have to go.”
“Right, you don’t have time for an argument, do you?”
Tai hates that Van is right. Van hates that they’re right – but it’s the same problem that they always run into: Tai is afraid so closes herself off Van feels too much and they basically reach an emotional stalemate. The cycle inevitably ends with Tai pulling on the rest of her clothes, this time a navy blazer, while ignoring the important parts of them by leaving.
“What-the-f*ck-ever, Van. I’ll see you around.” She says over her shoulder, Van’s hands fly out as they speak, as their voice doesn’t get loud but gets quiet from the tired rage that runs through them.
“Will I? Or will you have to work late or something?”
Tai turns from her place at the door to her room, for a second she might say something that’s crucial, something that could make it better, but she doesn’t, she’s scared, terrified of being with Van, scared of being without them. Instead of changing this, she does what she always does, she deflects and nothing will change.
“Lock the door on your way out.”
(The following movie is very awkward for poor Nat – Jackie was busy at the shop, Lottie with her Dad and Shauna at work, so poor Nat was stuck in between the two of them, struggling.)
--
Third and finally, Jackie and Shauna have the longest conversation they’re had since Shauna told Jackie to get changed, and it was just Jackie asking Shauna to pass the salt. The six of them huddle around Nat’s table, the extender very handily put in by Van. If Tai gets a little distracted by a set of solid arms putting the heavy wooden extension in, then that’s her business, argument be damned, her ex is still attractive. As is the way with these things, Lottie notices and just rolls her eyes, and finishes her glass of wine. Nat’s made some Italian concoction that no one but her can pronounce but everyone appreciates.
They’re seated like this: Nat and Van at the proverbial heads of the table, Shauna to Nat’s left, Jackie to her right, Tai next to Jackie, Lottie next to Shauna (the assigned seating since they started weekly dinners has never faulted and never failed, just added). It’s the perfect combination for Van’s hand to sneak perilously close to the apex of Tai’s thighs, for Lottie and Shauna to have low conversations at the side and for Tai to have a couple of glasses of wine and do a speech during the holidays. With Jackie taking the ‘date-spot’ – as it has been nicknamed over the years – it means that she is stuck opposite Shauna and has to watch her tongue, it drags and follows food, as it swallows booze, as she pokes it into a cheek as Van teases her. Their gazes never cross paths, the two of them too afraid to do so. For Shauna it’s the fact that she has no idea what emotions would come out of her at meeting her eyes, for Jackie it’s the anger, the shame, the irritation, the desire and the shame and it’s all of what she used to feel with Shauna and how it’s not really changed, even after all this time. And then disaster strikes, well reader, disaster in Shauna’s idiotic mind, she wants to put salt on her potatoes and the salt is right next to Jackie. She could lean over the table and grab it but that’s the kind of thing that makes Tai tut so she just clears her throat.
“Can you pass the salt?” She asks and Jackie’s head tilts up from where she was cutting up her food, there’s a second where the table stops in its movements.
In their head, Van wonders if Jackie is going to throw her plate of food at Shauna’s head and how it would both be absolutely hilarious and a nightmare to clean up at the same time. Tai thinks about how good Van looks, Lottie feels that it’ll be fine and quickly goes back to eating while Nat gently leans back – her mind going the same way as Van’s. Wordlessly, Jackie hands Shauna the salt, making sure not to let their fingers brush at the movement.
“Thanks.”
“It’s nothing.”
It’s silent until Van takes one for the team, the lack of noise starting to wear on them quicker than anyone else. Shauna gently lets out a breath of relief when she hears their voice, the fear that she would have to speak anymore.
“Let me tell you guys about some of the goddamn bullsh*t I’ve had to put up with…”
--
On the day of the blackout Shauna comes in for literal shot of coffee, for the first time since Jackie has been working at the shop. She normally comes in at eight thirty every morning, except she hasn’t been doing it at eight thirty every morning the last week because Jackie has a job in the only place that casts less than $2 for a shot of espresso and she only goes there because she can’t afford more than $2 for a shot of espresso because, unsurprisingly, being a professor doesn’t exactly pay much. And for the past week she’s been good, she’s been going to the sh*tty coffee cart outside the Humanities Building but today, today she has a freshman know-it-all who doesn’t believe Shauna knows what she’s talking about because she’s only five years older than him and she needs some real, proper coffee so she braces herself for his dialogue at nine in the morning.
It feels stupid, she’s hiding away from Jackie but Jackie looks at her like she’s a photo who’s moving without permission, caught in a certain time, from back then, it feels stupid but Shauna finds that despite her anger at Jackie, the kind that she shouldn’t have, she doesn’t want to face her. Guilt is a funny feeling, you see, it lingers in the background and waiting to strike, and now guilt has struck. She has been guilty since the first night at the Holmdel Party and every day since, Shauna remains guilty and angry and regretful and it fuels her everyday but also to live without it? Oh how she wishes.
You have to understand, reader, that Shauna loved Jackie and Jackie loved Shauna, but they never quite figured it out at the right time, they the realisations of these feelings were always ships in the night, lingering and close but never meeting – not yet, anyways. And so, she got as close to Jackie as possible and that came with Jeff and then that caused them to not speak for seven years.
They’re hardly speaking now, can you pass the salt? Thanks/It’s nothing, eight words is their longest since Jackie first came back. Shauna just hopes that she’s not working the till, even though she’s heard from Nat that Jackie is rarely allowed to do anything else, forgetting orders (despite what Jackie had said, it turns out that she can only remember things she cares about) and f*cking up the sugar station more often than not, she is getting better though, if there’s anything about Jackie it’s the fact that she’ll try harder and harder at something until she gets it. It was something that Shauna always admired about her, the way that she would roll up her sleeves and just do it, go for something until she got it. She runs walks into the kitchen, ready to see Jackie again, every time she sees her Shauna has to hype herself up, has to prepare herself.
Thankfully it’s just Nat that she can see as she comes in, rolling her eyes at someone when they turn toward the door. Her face doesn’t exactly light up when she sees Shauna, but she certainly relaxes. Nat loves Shauna, she hates the tension between her and Jackie – the two of them are so stupid, they’re heads are so far up their asses she’s surprised they don’t stink. Nat likes Jackie, her cheery temperament actually makes her feel better sometimes, not all the time though, sometimes it just pisses her off, but overall she likes Jackie, she even almost admires her but she hates the way that everyone needs to take a wide berth around them while they’re around each other – they either need to get it all off their chests of they need to bang, they’re no into each other and so stupid about it.
That’s the same thing that Shauna thinks about her and Lottie, by the way, they’re so obnoxiously stupid about it, at least Shauna still knows that she feels something toward Jackie. Lottie sees everything but she can’t see that the long list of Lottie-likes leaving her apartment are a substitute for her and not that Lottie is an exception to the rule.
“Missed you Ship, espresso?” Nat asks, already starting on it because Shauna is a woman of habit, espresso shot then a take-away coffee then rolling her eyes at whatever she has to do that day – normally grading papers, drinking coffee and chain-smoking. Shauna loves this place, the smell, the noise of people bustling, of the cutlery and crockery clinking, of Moira in the back yelling about scones or muffins or whatever, of Nat grumbling about something-or-other.
“Yes, please.” She replies, slumping onto the counter, and Nat snorts, Shauna’s always dramatic about her work, even though Nat knows that she wouldn’t change anything about her job, except maybe:
“Kevin the know-it-all?”
“Kevin the know-it-all.” Shauna confirms, taking her shot of espresso like she always does, the bitter and hot liquid burning down all the way to her stomach. Without another word, Nat hands her a full coffee cup of plain black coffee, no room for milk and the two sugars Shauna always adds on the lid. “Thank you.”
“Your pretentious, grumpy professor coffee order is the easiest thing I’ve made all morning. I had to explain to a guy with a dairy allergy that whipped cream is still dairy – it took ten f*cking minutes.”
“I do not envy you.” Shauna laughs, pouring the sugars into her cup and beginning to stir.
“Trust me, I don’t wanna be teaching Kevin, I don’t wanna be teaching at all.” Nat snorts, and Shauna taps the little wooden thing against the side of her cup and throwing in into the bin behind the counter.
“It would be fine if he was right about things, he’s just not. He brought up Pollock’s mask theory at five past nine last week, I didn’t even finish my coffee.” She says Pollock with the kind of vitriol of someone who has been teaching for forty years when she’s only been doing it for a few years.
“Oh yeah, Pollock’s mask theory, we all know it.” Nat nods, faux wisely and Shauna rolls her eyes.
“First off, it’s Tonkin’s mask theory and it wasn’t even applicable to the book, it’s a theory about masks, real physical masks and there are no real physical masks in what we’re studying at the moment.” Shauna says, her watch beeping. She’s not the kind of person to be late for things, but there’s something (Kevin) about this morning that means that she is almost always late for this Thursday seminar. “Okay, f*ck, I gotta go – see you tonight, wish me luck.”
“No.” Nat smiles, throwing up a middle finger and Shauna does the same, before turning and almost walking into the one person she didn’t want to see.
Jackie looks good, pulling her apron tight around her waist, lean arms flexing and Shauna clears her throat to get her heart out from where it got stuck. They used to get changed in front of each other all the time, the two of their hearts would quicken, their stomachs dropped, they were stuck on each other like glue but refused to admit it. Shauna still remembers those moles (above knee, by her belly-button, high on her thigh) and wonders what they’d look like now.
Jackie, on the other hand sees Shauna’s shoulders – broader than they used to be, muscled, Shauna’s always been strong, but there’s just more of her now. Jackie absolutely hated Jeff’s heavy, muscled arm over her waist, her shoulders, her body but there’s something about Shauna’s arms that she enjoys looking at. It’s September and yet she was still there in a short-sleeved shirt that rests right on her arms and a knitted tie and an awkward yet hopeful smile across her face, Jackie came into work with a sweatshirt, jacket and scarf and here Shauna is, short-sleeved shirt as if it’s not cold. For the record, reader, it’s not that cold, they’re just on differing scales of warmth.
“Hey Jackie.” She tries to be nice, smiling at Jackie, who clenches her jaw.
“What do you want?”
You see, Jackie knows that she could be nicer to Shauna, but she just makes her feel so much, and the largest is the betrayal coursing through her veins and you have to understand, reader, that Jackie has too many emotions right now, so everything that it becomes a thick, heady mess. So betrayal is at the top of that list, quickly followed by the twins of desire and shame, with nostalgia making everything worse and then finally, the worst of it all: she misses her. Jackie misses Shauna like a phantom limb but she won’t admit it, pride stopping her from forgiveness, irritation at herself at the world, everything.
(Don’t forget that she still hasn’t thought about the question, refuses too, really).
“Oh, I already had it and, uh, I got this.” She motions to the cup in her hand and Jackie gets stuck on a set of silver rings on her hand, how the cup looks small in her hand. It’s been a week since she’s left Jeff, and she still hasn’t figured out the question yet, well, she hasn’t even tried to think about it. Taissa was right, Jackie has never had a job before and it’s taken the forefront of her mind, or at least she has pushed it, put her entire person into it so that she doesn’t have to think about it anymore.
You see, Jackie has questions that need answers and she’s not going to think about them, she’s going to be mad at Shauna Shipman until it runs out, mad at her until the utter betrayal that she felt after reading Shauna’s journal feels vindicated, until there’s a good reason for it all.
“Okay, then why are you still here?” She says, crossing her arms and Shauna lets out a breath, that rage beginning to simmer a little hotter but she breathes once again because that’s what Lottie taught her, how to stop herself from lashing out at people.
“I’m going, God.” Shauna rolls her eyes and starts to walk out toward the street. “See you at Nat’s tonight.” She waves, speaking over her shoulder.
Jackie watches her leave, sighing just after the door shuts and she immediately leans against the counter, not even knowing why the interaction took it out of her.
“Could you guys, like, f*cking sort yourselves out?” Nat asks, cleaning just next to the machine and Jackie makes an affronted noise, crossing her arms and co*cking her hip – a classic Jackie Taylor position.
“She slept with Jeff.” Jackie tells Nat, as if it’s any new information, as if – even seven years later – it isn’t the topic of conversation with drunk Shauna whenever Malibu is anywhere near her lips, it has been completely banned from parties at this point. And well, Nat does have a point because they haven’t talked in seven years but the problem could also be fixed by talking. Now, Nat know that this is pipe-dream and we know that it’s hypocritical considering her situation with Lottie but they don’t resolve that for two months, unfortunately.
“You left Jeff.” Nat shrugs, throwing the cloth into the sink and turning to Jackie once again, who moves from her position to fling her hands to the side of her waist and stamping her foot, Nat smiles to herself, another classic Jackie move – she’s changed so much but so little all at the same time.
In school, Nat had very little patience for Jackie, the way she slu*t-shamed and feared and led the team with such zeal that is almost felt forced (it was, Jackie loved soccer with all of her heart but when things became rocky with Shauna, the very presence of Jeff would stress her out and the nihilism that she began to encounter after too many drinks at one of Lottie’s ragers meant that she always had to force it a little), but now there’s something about the way she’s throwing herself into this, the way she actually, finally left that, well, Nat likes Jackie – as I said earlier.
“That was different!” She defends, because it was, Jackie had to leave, it was a need at that point, but Shauna didn’t have to sleep with Jeff.
“Why did you leave Jeff?” Nat leans on the counter, head tilting with a look on her face far too knowing for Jackie’s liking.
“Because I was unhappy.” Jackie explains, and Nat nods, she already knew that, the pure elation that Jackie has had ever since she’s left Jeff could only mean that. She was unhappy with him in High School, let alone after seven more years.
“And why do you think Shauna slept with Jeff?”
“Uh, to be a vindictive bitch?”
Nat gives her a look.
“Try again.”
“You’re trying to tell me Shauna was unhappy?”
“Isn’t that why you read her stupid journal?”
“How- why do you remember that?”
“I remember a lotta things.”
Jackie opens her mouth to answer but is interrupted by someone shouting for a refill across the café, secretly she’s glad, even though she keeps burning her hands on the stupid coffee pot, she gets to miss Nat’s cross-examination.
On the other side of town Shauna ends up almost jogging to her Humanities building, cigarette almost done, coffee half-drunk and getting ready for the next hour. The security guard to the left of the door gives her a knowing look, she misses the ability to smoke inside, her life was so much easier then, her office may have basically been a smokebox but it was good.
“Yeah, I know it’s illegal now, I’m getting rid of it Jessica.” Shauna says, throwing it under her shoe and waving to the security guard as she goes. There’s already a set of her students sitting in the room, playing a game of hangman. She squints her eyes to look at the board, she probably needs glasses but glasses are expensive and squinting is free. “Antidisestablishmentarianism, good word, long though.” She makes her way to the front of the class and sets her books down, sighing slightly, a couple of the people sitting down grumble at her getting it before them.
The know-it-all sits up as she gets ready and she steadies herself. f*ckin’ Kevin.
--
Natalie reclines on one of Lottie’s ridiculously expensive loveseats, a headache thready and bleating making its way through her head from a late night at Guy’s bar. This time, however, she didn’t talk to any girls who were close but not the exact match for Lottie but instead she stayed with her. They spent hours laughing and drinking and falling into each other. Lottie is so in-tune with everyone else and their mirrors but the second she tries to reflect inward in just completely falls apart. Her apartment is large and roommate-less, rugs and candles and the smell of incense and paint-stripper in the air, slightly twisted by Lottie’s perfume. A place that looks clean but once you look at the corners, the edges of the room, you catch sight of the mess, the little things that make her the person that she is.
“Lottie?” Nat asks, and the other woman turns in her chair, paintbrush held high and head tilted in a question. There’s a streak of purple by her temple from where she tried to brush the hair away from her face, affections bursts in her chest at the look. “Why do you have to say so much odd f*ckin’ sh*t?”
“All I said was that painting and swimming feel the same.” Lottie shrugs, Nat’s words seem harsh but they’re just the paint dried on a brush before any solvent, it’s easy to see the softness beneath. She wants Nat to tell her the truth, she needs her too, she can’t see what Nat feels the way she can the others. Nat stretches like a cat while she speaks, all lithe and day-old makeup and a small smile across her face.
“Exactly!” A hand motions toward Lottie, the movement making her smile slightly. “What the f*ck does that mean?” She says through a laugh and this time it’s Lottie’s chest that feels tight from affection. You see, it’s the little things about each other that get their hearts beating, and the love across their faces is so plain, so written and clear that the fact they can’t see it makes them borderline blind.
“It just makes sense to me.” Lottie says, it’s all she can explain, she can’t describe the pull, the push, the floating of a swim and the floating of her mind finally quieting while she paints. Nat thinks it over for a second, trying to imagine the similarities between the two. She likes when Lottie’s odd, she likes that she’s a bit of a weirdo with a side of snark and short skirts. Nat leans forward and stands, making her way toward Lottie. If Lottie didn’t know any better, and unfortunately, she does, she would think Nat was on her way to kiss her.
“Tai would say that you’re doing some mumbo jumbo right now.” She teases, grin across her face, and Lottie smiles, putting her brush down.
“I like my mumbo jumbo, it makes me me.”
Nat’s shark-like grin transforms into a softer smile and Lottie’s heart skips a beat.
“Yeah.” She drops a hand on Lottie’s shoulder and gently tugs. The movement spreads warmth across her shoulders and chest. “It does. Come on, I’ll make you some pancakes.”
“Damn, getting spoiled today Scatorccio.”
“What can I say?”
--
Shauna’s office hours drag, and despite her dislike for Kevin at 9am, she wants to help anyone who comes to her door, anyone who needs it is always will get as long as they need. Today was a girl who’s been overwhelmed for most of the term, and just needed someone to listen and help her plan it all.
For Jackie, the shift finished early and then she spent most of the day unpacking whatever she convinced Randy, of all people, to drive down to her. Randy was easy to convince, ride or die for Jeff, but he always has a soft spot for Jackie. He knows he’s not the smartest, he knows that he won’t leave Wiskayok – not that he wants to – but he understands why people would wanna leave, not everyone enjoys the Wiskayok of it all, some people call him sad but he doesn’t care, he likes it there. And even though it hurt him to see Jeff’s tears, his frantic nature after everyone learnt that she left, but he also breathed different when she left, with more ease, with more relaxation. So he helped sneak some of her stuff down.
Of the group, Nat tends to cook the most, Shauna the second, Lottie is not allowed in the kitchen (even to make any hot drinks – especially coffee, tea is made with careful observation), Tai can but won’t and Van would much rather order pizza than cook. So when Shauna comes into the apartment, a bottle of rum from down the street and a cigarette ready to smoke on the balcony, she is very surprised to see Nat on the sofa, beer in hand and Jackie in the kitchen. When they were teenagers, she managed to set spaghetti on fire once, but it smells good, tomatoey and tasty and her stomach grumbles when she comes in. The heat must be turned up to the million because Shauna is sweating the second she comes in while the others are dressed as if it’s the middle of June, Nat in one of her custom made (drunkenly cut) sleeveless t-shirts and Jackie in a shirt so criminally short that Shauna’s brain kinda malfunctions. And when Jackie bends over to check something in the oven her trousers slip down and reveal the tiniest little hint of a tattoo on her lower back that makes Shauna blink even more.
Jackie spent most of her time in Wiskayok for other people, you and I know that she’s lived her life for other people, but especially the last seven years, after everyone left, it was for him, for them, but she had weeks where she would ‘meet friends’ in the city. She didn’t even go to the city, she didn’t go to New York, she went to another small town, stayed in a hotel and was by herself. She would think and think and think, she would lie there and relax, stare at the popcorn ceiling so long that it began to move. And then she did something horribly un-Jackie-like, she did something without thinking and she got that tattoo. Something for her, a butterfly just above her ass, extra bits on the sides, not too expensive, not too painful and hers. Jeff, of course, loved it and assumed that is was for him – that created one of their biggest blow-outs, almost as big as the Shauna-debate.
“I got booze.” She announces her presence while raising the bottle, Jackie jumps, surprised by her entrance and Nat raises her bottle, not even turning away from the TV as she speaks.
“What kind, Ship?”
“It’s free does it matter?” She asks, making fleeting eye-contact with Jackie, who throws off the oven gloves with a slightly irritated energy. It’s weird for Shauna, having Jackie here, the good kind of weird like when you cut your nails and put on socks. It’s weird for Shauna because she doesn’t know how to feel, what she even feels really, a swirling pile that makes her feel nauseous. She nods to Jackie and swallows her feelings, making her way toward the couch where Nat is residing.
“Well if you buy sambuca I’m throwing you off my balcony.” Nat threatens even though it’s not really a threat at all, Shauna snorts in response, dropping next to Nat on the couch. Her eyes shift toward some of the boxes around the entrance of the ‘spare room’ that she supposes is Jackie’s now. She wonders what’s inside, if her clothes smell the same, if they get worn the same way, if they’re cut at the bottom so that butterfly can be seen for everyone.
“You couldn’t throw me off sh*t.” She quickly retorts, snapping back to Nat. She needs to stop thinking about Jackie and yet she doesn’t think she’ll ever stop.
“You underestimate the trailer park.”
“Now I want to see you try.”
“No one is throwing anyone off the balcony.” Jackie pipes up and the two of them roll their eyes, despite the time that has passed, Captain Jackie will always be Captain Jackie. She tuts at herself after it, that’s close to being friendly with Shauna and she’s stuck between craving a hug from her and ignoring her as much as possible. f*ck. Shauna feels the warmth of Jackie’s gaze on her back, she doesn’t know if it’s angry or contemplative or what, Shauna turns to meet her eyes. She doesn’t know what it means. She drops the bottle into the couch and claps her on the back.
“I’m going to smoke – help yourself, Nat.” She stands quickly, a knee clicking at the motion; she’s spent almost too much time running, her knees are now one of the worst parts of her days. They click when she wakes up, get stiff when it’s cold and ache more often than not. Nat raises an eyebrow at the speed in which Shauna moved, she’s not subtle, Nat’s pretty sure that Shauna doesn’t have a subtle bone in her body. Jackie quickly fusses over dinner again, face a little flushed and Nat rolls her eyes, those two f*cking idiots. She takes the bottle that Shauna dropped and reads the label, rearing her head back ever-so-slightly for it to be in focus, you see, Nat is almost certain she needs glasses, however she refuses to get glasses – you see the problem, reader?
“Vanilla rum, what are we fourteen?” She teases when she’s able to read the label, snorting in laughter when Shauna throws a middle finger over her shoulder and climbs out the window and onto the balcony.
A few blocks away, Taissa Turner stares at a door. Van’s door to be specific, her hands rest on either side of her waist as she wonders why the f*ck she keeps doing this to herself. It’s fun until it’s not, it’s good, until she puts her foot in her mouth. She sighs and clenches her jaw, having no idea what to say, she’s going to apologise but she’s afraid tell that whatever she might say is going to be limp and lifeless and not what Van deserves. It’s the earliest she’s left work since their family dinner night last week, complete with Jackie actually speaking to Shauna, which was absolutely crazy and she’s pretty sure that she heard the low rumblings of Shauna’s vibrator through the wall that night (for the record, Tai was right – she normally is - Shauna came apart three times just thinking about their eye-contact). She hasn’t really seen anyone for the past few days, she’s slammed with extra work she’s giving herself, but more than anyone else, she’s been missing Van. And not just the sex, but everything about them. On the other side of the door, Van wonders when Tai will put them out of their misery and knock on the goddamn door. It’s when she runs her hands through her hair for the fifth time in a minute (they’ve been counting) that they finally pull the door open.
“You just gonna stand there all evening?”
“Can I come in?” Van opens the door wider and Tai walks in, careful not to brush too aggressively past them. There’s a part of her that knows that they should end this, being in their limbo between together and not together is like hell on earth sometimes, but more of her wants Van, honestly sometimes she things that she needs them, even if they can’t be the woman Van wants her to be. She loves them still, probably always will; but Van needs more than her, Van needs someone who won’t work until 10pm and forget to eat dinner, someone who needs things just so, they need someone more. Van looks at Tai and wonder how much sleep she got last night, immediately cursing themselves for caring so much when Tai has made it very clear on where they stand. They shut the door with their back and watch as Tai wrings her hands.
“I’m sorry.” She starts, Van’s eyes flare with something. Their arms cross over and their gaze drops to the floor before going back to Tai. Both of their hearts breaking at the other. The words get stuck in Tai’s throat, she wants to say more but, for one of the few times in her life, she has no idea what to say.
“Is that it?”
“Van…” She clears her throat. “I can’t- I can’t be what you f*cking need me to be.”
“Why?”
Why?Why?Why?
“Work-“
“Oh stop f*cking bringing up work Taissa!” Van voice grows in noise and Tai just sighs. “You are barely seeing your friends, let alone me.”
“You are my-“ Tai immediately goes to defend, Van is more than just a friend to her, it’s clearly the wrong avenue though because they immediately interrupt her with a quick and abrupt:
“What?” They’re so frustrated with the whole situation, even though they want to touch her one more time, taste her once again. “What am I, Tai? What am I to you?”
Something about the way that they say it makes her warm through, lets a wet drip of desire crackle down her spine. Van sees Tai react and knows that they’re going to forgive her, even if they shouldn’t, but as Tai makes her way toward them, they can’t help it.
“You’re the person I want.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” Tai leans her forehead against Van’s and runs her fingers through their long, soft hair; they let out a short noise as she clenches her fist gently. Van grabs Tai’s shirt to pull her close and their lips meet – despite it all, they’ll always end up in each other’s arms – the kiss is slow and ravenous and Tai sighs into Van’s mouth when the two of them separate for a moment. “Let me make it up to you.”
“Moira got mad at me today.” Jackie complains to Nat, back at their place. Nat’s moved from her place on the couch to the table, beer finished and glass of rum and co*ke – heavy ice – in her hands. It’s good rum, it kinda annoys her that Shauna has got a solid taste in alcohol, especially when she’s got bad taste in literally everything else.
Moira Smith, the chef for the café and ex-pat hailing from Doncaster. Hip co*cked and cigarette perpetually dangling from between thin lips, always regards Jackie with a knowing stare. Jackie – bless her, reader – isn’t too sure how to feel about it. On one hand, it’s like spiders crawling all over her skin at the gaze; on the other, she kinda likes it. Now, Jackie rivals Shauna when it comes to repressing feelings, and when those feelings are due to a girl looking at her like that, she kinda shuts down. Today she got mad at Jackie ringing up too many orders at the same time but, in her defence, she forgot to ring them in when she first finished took them. Jackie can still see the rolled cigarette behind her ear, curly hair pulled back in a bandana, pierced tongue shining with every other word, and the dirty zine that she was reading just off to the side. She can still hear her low voice ‘can you wait to put the order in one at a f*cking time, pet?”, apparently pet isn’t a bad nickname where she’s from, but it still makes the hair on the back of Jackie’s neck stand up every time she says it. Nat shrugs and takes a drink, Moira makes a mean meal but she sometimes pisses Natalie off.
“Moira’s always mad at something.”
“I’m new!”
“She doesn’t care as long as she gets her two litres of coffee and two packs of cigarettes.”
“Ugh.”
And then the lights go out.
This is when the chaos really begins, Shauna jerks her head, seeing the city devolve into black and taking another drag, the only illumination being the amber glow of her cigarette. Tai and Van, once against the inside of the front door of Van’s apartment – tucked into a heated embrace of Tai pressing Van into the wood, their whispers ones of anger toward each other, anger and desire – are too wrapped up into each other to notice until they’re done and on the kitchen floor, panting, when Van goes to grab some beers to find that it’s off. Lottie isn’t even with the others, she’s in the lobby of the building.
Shauna looks at the sky, seeing the stars and constellations across the sky that she hasn’t seen since she’s moved to the city. She’s always liked the idea of stars, their stories and the way their names differ from place to place; her room in the apartment had the faint impression of sticky stars across the ceiling, she wonders who was there before her, how old, what constellations were their favourites. She cranes her neck to stare at them, which are the satellites and which are the stars and which are the planets? Sometimes people find the vastness of space comforting, the idea that humanity is a spark of luck that so happened to exist at the right place at the right time but Shauna is not one of those people, she does not believe in fate or divine intervention, it’s life and it’s choices she does – she only believes in Lottie’s nature and that’s only because she likes Lottie. She finds the size of space suffocating instead. She takes such a long drag that her lungs hurt and exhales more smoke than she normally does, just from the sheer volume of it.
Her phone buzzes and she sees the words: f*ck you Shauna and f*ck your stupid book, across it. She breathes in harshly. All she wants is a goddamn book and he’s digging his feet in the sand. Shauna almost longs to throw her phone as far as possible, maybe then he’ll give back her book and leave her alone. She sighs, Adam was not that bad, a little whiney, a little obsessive but he wasn’t awful, it was fun that he would wait for her to come home, face-down and naked, it was fun how they would write together and talk and laugh but the cycle became stale and she left and, well, he was pissed. f*ck. Just then the window slams open, Shauna pushes her phone back into her pocket and Jackie stumbles out.
They stare.
Jackie had forgotten Shauna was out here, Shauna didn’t want to go in there, so either way they’ve been avoiding each other pretty aggressively – even more than normal, reader. Their stare doesn’t stop, Jackie let’s gravity do its work on the window and the only noise on this balcony is the dull slam of it.
“I didn’t know you smoked.” Shauna eventually says and Jackie shakes her head, pulling the singular cigarette that she stole off Nat from somewhere and waving it about the place.
“I don’t.” She says, like it’s obvious, like it’s a dumb question and Shauna rolls her eyes. She doesn’t really know how to reply to that beyond a stuttered:
“O-kay?”
“Why are you here?” Jackie asks. Remember what I said earlier, reader? About Jackie’s self-awareness, this is one of the times where she can feel herself getting hysterical, but she cannot find it in herself to care. This is Shauna, the woman who has made her life hell, who has made her life heaven, who is standing there, looking good in the light of her cigarette and nothing else.
“To smoke.”
A quick glance inside makes her see Nat lighting candles sporadically across the apartment, they light her in a low glow. Jackie sees as she burns herself on her lighter before carrying on.
“Can you smoke somewhere else?”
“Where else would I smoke?”
“Just leave me alone Shauna.”
“We’re going to be around each other a lot, can’t you tell that the others are getting uncomfortable?” Jackie doesn’t reply, only scoffing, and she brushes past Shauna to try and pry the window inside open, she hasn’t even lit the cigarette that she took from Nat. “Jackie will you just talk to me?” Shauna asks as she struggles to open the window, she turns with a scowling face, stamping her foot somewhat.
“I don’t want to.” She says, petulant and frowning, like Shauna just took away her barbie or whatever, she takes a drag, anger starting to pool in her muscles a bit.
“Why?”
“Are you serious?” If there was a camera filming them right now, Jackie would stare right down the lense of it. “You slept with Jeff.”
“You left Jeff.”
“Why do people think that you can compare those?” Jackie says, more to herself than Shauna, but, of course, Shauna replies.
“Because they’re comparable.” She replies, hands flying about as she speaks. Jackie is flabbergasted, unfortunately Nat’s words from this morning ringing through her head, the fact that Shauna was unhappy so she ruined three people’s lives (despite what Jackie believes, it is actually very correct) and Jackie was so unhappy that she left Jeff (you don’t need Lottie’s borderline psychic nature to know that that is right).
“They are not – why did you do it?”
Shauna’s heart drops through her body, she wouldn’t be surprised if someone in the lobby of the building could pick it up, she would hope that whoever finds it would give it back but honestly she might prefer an empty cavity in her chest; maybe she would feel less. She puts out her cigarette under her shoes and lets out a deep breath to maybe let her anger go a little bit.
“I thought you didn’t want to talk.” She ends up saying, sullen and sulky and suddenly she’s struck at seventeen once again; Jackie begging to tell her what’s wrong and Shauna is trying to forget the fact that the passenger seat that Jackie is happily interrogating her from was where she rode Jeff pretending it was Jackie.
“Shauna.” Jackie warns, as if she can threaten her with anything, as if she’s about to ask if they’re still best friends, as if she’s going to say that she won’t stay over for a week even though her parents are away (you see, Jackie is also thrust back to being seventeen, because when she’s around Shauna, sometimes she just feels herself revert).
“Jackie.” Shauna responds in kind, her tone a cautionary tone. Jackie looks at her and is struck by how much Shauna has changed, not just physically, but inside too. She watches as Shauna stays steady and still, not explosive and aggressive. The two of them would be screaming seven ago, but it’s not seven years ago, it’s now and they’ve both changed.
“Why?” Jackie pushes, salt grating against an open wound and Shauna grits her teeth together.
“Do you really want to know?”
“Why the f*ck would I ask if I didn’t want to know?”
“Because it’ll change things.”
“I thought you wanted things to change.”
Shauna’s really going to do this, huh? She’s really going to tell Jackie why she did it. Maybe ripping off the band-aid will help, maybe they’ll get over this, maybe it’ll make everything worse, she can’t tell what will happen.
“He was the closest I could get to you.” He tasted like you, smelt like you. She almost says those words out loud but those haven’t even been uttered to Taissa Turner on one of their nights where they have a bottle of red wine each and end up baring their souls to one another. The two of them are twin flames more often than not, in the fallout of Jackie and Shauna they got closer than either one of them would have imagined.
Tai and Shauna started with a lift home, with Jackie no longer filling her passenger seat, Shauna got to listen to the music she liked, got the silence and got to wear whatever the f*ck she wanted but it was lonely; she had become the newest pariah, even taking over Nat’s crown. And then it rained after practise. Tai normally walked home, something about cooling down after training and liking the time to herself and Shauna simply offered a ride.
“Your music taste is sh*t.” Tai had said, dripping all over her car. Shauna snorted, it was the most normal anyone from the team had been to her for a while.
“Yeah, I’ve f*cking heard that before.”
“He was the closest I could get.” Shauna repeats, heart thundering and thudding in her chest as she waits for Jackie to reply. A part of her wants to bite, she wants to tell Jackie everything, every single choice she made, the lead up, how quickly he got hard under her (Jeff always had a fascination with her sneer and the way her jagged smile would cut deep, even when it was happy. Shauna and Jackie always thought that he was just a horny sh*t, but he had feelings for them both – and didn’t quite understand how to convey them). The smell of Jackie on his collar, the taste of vodka cranberry at the back of his tongue. She wants to break Jackie apart and remind her of how she never said I love you back, she wants to hurt; and then the fog clears.
What f*cking good would that do? No, Jackie doesn’t need to know everything just yet, she can know what she needs to know – Shauna answered her f*cking question didn’t she? She doesn’t need to elaborate any further.
Jackie gets lightheaded. They were close, weren’t they? They were best friends, Shauna was her whole world – why did she feel like they had to get even closer? It actually does not clear anything up, if anything it makes her even more confused. You see, Jackie read that journal, Jackie heard her words, those aggressive, violent, piercing and, obviously, she made the assumption that Shauna hated her, everything about her. And while, yes, Shauna did not like Jackie – she certainly loved her with all her being, she just had issues with explaining it. Jackie fumbles for words, for answers, she wants to know more, there’s a glimmer of secrecy in Shauna’s eyes, there’s more. She never was a good liar. She keeps her mouth shut, too afraid of what else she could say. Shauna stares at her, not quite expectant, not quite fearful but it is simply a stare. Her hands clench and unclench over and over until she comes up with something to say.
“Oh.”
“Yeah.” She runs a hand down her face, trying to stop the vulnerability and earnestness from showing too much, from Jackie seeing it. Shauna feels a little like a fool, like she’s been stripped bare and seen.
Without thinking much through it, Jackie takes a step closer to Shauna; the smell of fading cologne and cigarettes, the edge of coffee on her breath. The city is loud with the mutterings that come from no power. Shauna’s eyebrow twitches, her eyes fall to Jackie’s lips for a second and it’s like the air got dragged from her lungs.
“You need to shift the window to the right, by the way.” Shauna brushes past her and opens the window with practised ease, trying to act like her heart isn’t beating out of her chest.
While Jackie and Shauna are arguing on the balcony, Lottie waltzes in like she always waltzes in, sundress whooshing, and the hot neighbour from downstairs in tow; making Nat almost drop the lit candle that she just burnt her finger on.
The ballad of the hot neighbour from downstairs isn’t that long, but it is funny. Nat has lived in the building for a while, going through a revolving door of roommates like no-ones business, hot neighbour has been there for almost a year. Each of them have attempted to flirt with the hot neighbour, Van got nicely shot down, Tai got close until hot neighbour saw how she looked at Van and didn’t want to get into all of that, Nat tried but didn’t try too hard (hot neighbour is hot but she doesn’t have dark hair and all-knowing eyes and she doesn’t smell like lavender; she doesn’t look like Lottie nearly enough), in the end Shauna got the closest, but Shauna is also Shauna and Shauna is, well, Shauna. That’s not an insult reader, her mind just goes a little too fast all of the time, and she’s haunted by a ghost that’s now in her life. Lottie never tried to flirt with her, never saw the point, hooking up with Nat’s hot neighbour would be a low point, in her mind anyway.
Anyway, fast-forward to tonight, a few minutes after the black out starts, Lottie and hot neighbour run into each other. Literally, on the landing of the floor below, hot neighbour collides with Lottie enough that she falls to the floor. Reader, imagine being hot neighbour, being knocked to the ground by a 5’10 woman with the kindest eyes and furrowed eyebrows and soft hands, who hangs out with the loud upstairs neighbours who are nice enough to quieten down after ten in the evening on weekdays. You would go a little weak in the knees too, wouldn’t you? And when said woman offered her a chance to not be alone in the black out, she took it.
“This looks like my place.” Lottie says as she walks in, candles alight across the surfaces. “This is Yumi, she got a little lonesome downstairs, I thought she could join us.”
Nat has a lump in her throat but nods.
“Yeah, totally – you want a drink?” She offers, the yelling gets louder from the balcony and she winces, maybe she shouldn’t have given them so much sh*t. “Don’t worry about them, they’re like that.”
Lottie peers through the window to see Shauna’s arms waving while Jackie just scoffs and shakes her head, even though things look dark now, she has a feeling deep in her gut that they’ll be okay. One day they will stop arguing and they’ll be together and they’ll be fine. It’s not a clear image but Lottie can imagine them wrapped around each other, laughing on Nat’s couch with the others surrounding them; it’s not a clear image but it seems obvious to them.
“They’ll be okay.” She says, serene and Nat hides her smile at her in her shoulder. Pushing off where she rests against the counter and finishes her drink.
“Is that you being comforting or is this another psychic thing?”
“Both?” Lottie replies, in that way that could be construed at flirting if it was to anyone else, but it’s to Nat – and so it just teeters on the edge, making their friendship only just in the clear. Yumi watches between the two
“f*cking bitch.” She jokes before turning back to Yumi. “We only have vanilla rum, that okay?”
“I’ll take anything honestly.”
“Atta girl.”
The window slams shut behind Shauna as she grumbles to herself, she cannot believe that she just told Jackie that, she just told Jackie the crux of everything. She needs a f*cking drink. She looks at Lottie, next to Yumi, next to Nat and wonders what the f*ck is going to happen. She ignores Adam’s text and ends up calling Tai.
Back at Van’s apartment, they open their fridge, expecting the flickering light of the bulb and instead getting nothing but silence and darkness. Sweat drips down their back, while Tai pants and props herself up onto her elbows to watch Van, admiring the way that their shoulder move, the way they open the fridge with only their pinkie finger to avoid getting certain things on the door. They turn and see the entire grid is down, sh*t. Vans brain goes between sh*t, does this mean that we can stay here all night? And we should really find the others, maybe we can have some fun.
“sh*t, blackout.”
“So maybe we can stay here?”
“You know I thought the exact same thing.” Van pushes the door shut, they don’t have a lotta stuff that will go bad from the now heat of the fridge.
“Oh really?” Tai smiles as Van makes their way back to the floor and gives Tai a soft kiss. The two of them are sweaty and sated but what’s another round?
“Yes, really.”
Tai goes for a kiss but Van dips to kiss her neck, the tang of sweat against her neck makes them groan against her skin, hips bucking into nothing. Tai’s lips stretch into a breathless smile, Van’s always had an eagerness to please during sex, the want prevalent and present, their chest flat as Tai skirts her hands across it, she loves Van’s willingness, it fits with her own desires. The first time they had touched each other, on that fateful New Years, Tai had moaned out a you can touch me idiot, I want you to touch me, and, well, that had spiralled to now. Van sucks hard below her shirt-line (the remembrance of their argument still lingers on the back of their mind, so they follow the rules today), it’s almost embarrassing to think that they’ll have to mop their floor tomorrow because they are f*cking dripping across the tile.
They’re overtaken with a simple thought: want.
Van impatiently makes their way down her body, Tai thrusts her hands in their hair, hands wanting and pulling and tugging, leaving little marks and noises and sounds across their body. It’s quick and messy and needy and they love it, some nights they’re slow, some nights they explore and love, rather than a quick f*ck, but that isn’t one of those nights. Gone is the words of anger against their door, instead they reach the apex of Tai’s thighs with a hungry grin. Tai’s head tilts back as they kiss across her cl*t softly, a stuttering moan reaching their ears. Even from just their lips across Tai’s c*nt, they’re being dragged closer, more aggressive and they begin to flatten and press against her. They need to be touched, they have to, Van pushes a hand down their body and quickly, insistently sliding against their soaked self.
“f*ck, that’s it, right there.” She somehow manages to get out between moans, Van makes a noise in response. Tai is sensitive and slightly sore but she doesn’t care, not when Van’s tongue works beautifully across her, not when she’s overstimulated, not when she’s blundering toward the edge and-
Her phone rings from a few feet away, still in her trousers she’s sure and she tries to reach them but Van grabs her thighs and holds her close. She almost falls apart to the noise of her phone ringing and Van bucking into their hand but manages to push Van’s head away while she tries to answer the phone. They moan into Tai’s c*nt as they finish it almost makes her push them away at the feeling. She pants and some manages to hook a finger into her trousers, pulling the phone from the pocket just to stop the ringing so that she can push Van against the cabinets and f*ck them again. That is, until, she sees that it’s Shauna’s name splayed across her phone. A sense of quick dread flood her system for a moment, the lights are out and Shauna is the kinda person who would get into trouble by accident.
“Tai?” Her voice is relaxed, and Tai relaxes back onto Van’s kitchen tile. At some point the ceramic was cold, but she’s almost sure that the entire floor is warmed through from their time there. Van rests their head on her thigh, gently leaving patterns with their sticky fingers. It tickles slightly, but she doesn’t care.
“Yeah?”
“Lottie brought hot neighbour, Nat’s making her a drink, me and Jackie argued. You know, weird sh*t is happening in the blackout.” A gentle tongue presses between her legs and she has to hold back the gasp that almost erupts form her mouth. She looks down her body to see Van smiling devilishly from between her legs. Shauna’s words make her laugh slightly, of course Lottie managed to pull hot neighbour and of course Nat is going to be nice about it even though she’s probably screaming inside and of course Jackie and Shauna fought. Van just barely glides through Tai’s c*nt and her eyes flutter shut, back arching. “Are you okay? Safe?”
“Yeah, keep your shirt on Shipman.” Tai doesn’t know how she manages to keep her voice straight, not with her hips twitching and bucking and Van keeping going. “We both know I could survive anything.”
“So you’re a co*ckroach?”
“You f*cking suck.” Tai’s voice gets trapped in a gasp and she grips Van’s hair in a warning but that just makes them groan against her. She puts the phone against her shoulder for a second. “I’ll get Van and get to Nat’s.”
“So you guys made up, huh?” Shauna teases and Tai roll her eyes at her, biting her lip to stop any more noises.
“f*ck off.”
“Be careful, there might be weirdos out.” Her voice is soft, slightly worrisome and Tai would be touched by how much she cares but she’s trying not to fall apart under Van’s talented tongue; it’s probably too many for this evening, it probably wouldn’t even be the best org*sm of her life, but it would be an org*sm nonetheless.
“I mean you guys are the weirdos but whatever.” She gets out the words quicker, breathier and really hopes that Shauna doesn’t notice. She snorts down the line and laughs slightly.
“Okay, see you soon.”
“See you.” Tai hangs up before Shauna can say anything else, she throws her phone across the kitchen, the plastic of her case clattering across the ceramic before tugging Van even closer.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop, do-“
Shauna pushes her phone in her pocket and ends up walking toward the three people in the kitchen, trying not to get angry at herself, trying not to get frustrated at everything and plastering a smile across her face. (Jackie still stands outside, she still hasn’t lit her cigarette and she’s still trying to understand what Shauna meant, and what she is hiding. She’s not sure she will light it, it was more of a spur of the moment thing after remembering Moira and her frustrating nature).
“Yumi, hey.” She offers a lopsided grin to Yumi, who doesn’t look uninterested but doesn’t look interested either.
“Shauna.” She smiles, eyes dragging down her in a quick motion – Shauna’s more muscular than the last time she had attempted to flirt, it’s nice to see, but Yumi’s not stupid, she sees the way that her gaze lingers on the girl outside. She turns to Nat. “Thanks for letting me stay here for a while.”
“Don’t worry about it.” Nat smiles, thankful for the low-light as she’s sure her smile is look more like she’s gotta toothache. “You gotta roommate?” She tries to make conversation as the balcony window drops down and Jackie walks in, the cigarette that Nat loaned her still unlit, and goes straight to Lottie, ignoring Shauna – who has poured a drink that looks like more than a hefty double.
“Lot, can I talk to you?”
She just nods and lets Jackie pull her toward the sitting room, while the three of them stay in the kitchen. Jealousy rises in Shauna’s stomach but she pushes it down with a gulp of her drink. She feels embarrassed for even being jealous, this is Lottie, they get along, they’re good friends, she clears her throat and sits at the table with Nat and Yumi.
“No, I live by myself.” Yumi answers, jutting a chin toward where Jackie is talking low, her eyes now and again shifting toward Shauna as she speaks. “Who’s your new roommate?”
“Uh, that’s Jackie – we knew her in High School.” Nat explains, gesturing with her drink-laden hand and Yumi’s eyes light up in remembrance, her and Lottie probably had a little conversation on the way.
“Oh New Jersey, right?”
“Yeah she was my best friend.” Shauna says slightly bitterly, and almost finishes her drink with a wince, Nat grimaces.
“sh*t, you guys are a mess.” Yumi laughs and Shauna lets out a real chuckle, letting her drink drop to the table lightly with a shrug.
“We just played soccer.” She says and Nat nods, pointing a finger at Shauna and staying silent because of the rum that’s resting in her throat before she swallows it.
“That makes sense, I played volleyball and lemme tell you, I do not think I could live with those girls.”
“Shauna just told me that she f*cked Jeff to get close to me – I mean, isn’t that insane?” Jackie asks Lottie, forcing a laugh that is so plastic and fake that it makes Lottie feel a little sorry for her. She doesn’t entirely know why she chose Lottie out of everyone, she knows that the others are busy talking maybe it’s that, maybe it’s the discretion that comes from disclosing things to Lottie, maybe it’s that Jackie can see how close they are and hopes that she can offer some insight (spoilers: it’s really a mixture of all of them).
Lottie bites her tongue, talking about ‘Shauna and Jeff’ is almost as bad as talking about ‘Shauna and Jackie’. Except on the wrong night, after the wrong drink, Shauna would sometimes wax poetic about it all. Only Tai tends to be on the other end of those sessions but Lottie doesn’t take any offence, she knows everything already, it’s clear to her. Jackie crosses her arms and scoffs, the confusion and light-headedness that had plagued her outside has become a frustrating kind of anger. She was hoping for clarity, to understand why, and that didn’t happen.
“She drove me to school every day, we hung out all the time, what the f*ck did she mean?” She seems a little manic about it, and Lottie offers her hands to hold and relax, offering an exaggerating breath which Jackie repeats. The tension in her shoulders decreases and her hands stop holding Lottie’s so tightly.
“It wasn’t about physical closeness, it was about emotional.” Lottie speaks softly and Jackie’s eyes shine slightly. There’s a soft laughter from the table, Shauna leaning back in her chair while Yumi speaks and Nat takes a short drink.
“I would have done anything for her.” Her voice breaks slightly as she speaks and Lottie feels the notch in her eyebrow, the way her face contorts in sympathy. Leaving Jeff, uprooting her entire life and now Shauna.
“You have to talk to her about it, not me.” Lottie gently pushes, her sympathy can only go so far; especially when Nat and Yumi are quietly talking in the corner of her eye. Jackie’s jaw works, she stares at her feet for a second before looking back up.
“I can’t stop being angry at her, I can’t stop, if we talk I get angry, she gets angry.” She admits, and Lottie nods.
“You’ll be fine, the two of you will be okay.”
“I don’t know if I want us to be okay, I don’t know – what if she hurts me again?”
“What if she doesn’t?”
The door opens to reveal Van pushing it open and Tai bustling in. They’ve so obviously come from hooking up that Lottie cannot believe that no-one else can see it. Van lets their hand brush past Tai’s hip as they cross each other and Tai gently leans into the touch.
“Hey, we gotta stray!” Van smiles, wide and bright, immediately going for a high five with Yumi. “Nice to see you again. You makin’ us a drink, Shauna, or what?”
“Nat’s the bartender here.” Shauna grumbles but stands anyway, a small smile across her face. She likes being useful, she likes making herself valuable in small ways.
“Exactly, she’s had enough of pouring people drinks.”
“I knew you were my favourite for a reason, Van.”
“f*ck you.”
The candles melt down, the hours pass and they’re all gently drunk as they end up draped across Nat, and now Jackie’s, living room. Shauna’s bottle of rum gets depleted and they crack open a bottle of vodka they managed to find hidden away at the back of their freezer. At some points they stray toward topics of conversations that verge of too deep, a plunge into icy cold water, each of them steering it away – that can of worms will just make everyone uncomfortable.
Nat is draped across the chair, her chair, the old one which has been re-cushioned and patched up, her legs dangle off the side of the arms, her drink dangling from fingers. Her gaze keeps lifting toward where Lottie rests at the opposite end of the couch to her, her sundress lifts as her legs cross, as Van’s legs rest across her lap, Lottie’s soft skin, long, tan legs and Nat takes a breath. This hole in her heart where Lottie resides almost aches, especially when she takes a drink of a neat vodka from a wine glass and a smirking smile when Van points an accusing finger at Shauna about something. Shauna, Tai and Yumi rest against the cabinet where the TV lies. Tai and Van keep making eye-contact now and again, warming each other through, Shauna and Jackie avoid each other’s eyes, Lottie and Nat often look at each other when someone says something stupid, when a memory is incorrectly remembered – a fondness that could easily blossom into more but the two of them never do.
“How did you find out you were bi, Ship?” Nat says through a sh*t-eating grin, dimples spread across her cheeks and Shauna glowers, offering a middle finger to her. The last tale of Van always knowing and never guessing was heartwarming, but not funny, Shauna’s is funny.
“f*ck you.”
“No, come on, tell us.” Van backs up, the dickhe*d, taking a drink with a similar smile to Nat.
“You already know the answer.”
“Don’t be a wet towel, Shauna.” Nat continues and she rolls her eyes and bites the bullet, Jackie’s eyes are on her like glue, slightly melted and sticky against her skin. She feels like Jackie is finally seeing her, seeing the camaraderie she could have with others without it taking away from a singular friend, Jackie is seeing Shauna be herself without always looking for Jackie in the corner of her eye, not always looking for her permission.
Jackie is unsure if she misses her friend, or if it’ll keep hurting forever.
“Fine.” Shauna leans forward, putting her glass on the table (with a coaster of course), and conspiringly looks to Lottie, who’s eyebrow quirks slightly. “How does it feel that your tit* turned me gay?”
The room erupts with laughter, with a noticeable exception of Jackie who fakes a laugh before taking a hefty drink. Yumi looks surprised but almost enchanted at the conversation, her own tale had left a trail of laughter because, really, who realises that they’re gay because of their English teacher? Lottie leans forward with a smile, smirking and kind and falsely magnanimous.
“I’ll wear it like a badge of honour, Shauna.”
“Shut up, you dick.” Shauna says and the room dribbles in laughter again, Jackie and Shauna’s eyes meet. Jealousy and heat and anger and the question – the I wasn’t the reason? You didn’t want me? From Jackie, and the problem is that Shauna did want Jackie, Jackie was the reason but she can’t exactly admit it here, can she now? Especially not after how Jackie reacted to her first bit of confession. She’s not lying, accidently seeing Lottie naked after a game confirmed things, but it wasn’t the starting point, it didn’t start the questions that began.
The phone rings and Lottie, who is closest to it, manages to pick it up.
“I called Shauna’s and she didn’t answer, Natalie Scatorccio she had better be at your apartment.”
“She’s here Deb don’t worry, we all are.” Lottie smiles, Deb has become an unofficial mother to them all, always cooking extra at Thanksgiving, does a second for them at Christmas or boxing day even though she doesn’t celebrate.
Deb never tells them what to do, instead gently guiding them. The first year after high school, Tai came over for boxing day, the second year Van joined them until gradually everyone would pile into Deb Shipman’s tiny kitchen, mountains of food and an empty chair ready for Jackie Taylor. Deb never wants to say that she’s disappointed in Shauna for not reaching out, she already gave her a shouting that rang ears when she found out the cause of their fallout, so she doesn’t want to push any further. She misses her second daughter, she misses Jackie, she misses Shauna having her person. She sits at the wall-landline (her knees don’t work the same anymore and after a long shift, she needs the support) after hearing on the radio that there was a blackout, she had to check everyone. It’s not surprising that someone else answered the phone, Nat only answers the phone once in a blue moon, the others practically live there too.
“Oh, Lottie! How are you?”
“We’re having a great time considering, candle-lit and vodka drinking.”
“Paracetamol and water-“
“Before bed I know.”
“I’ll never stop reminding you, hangovers are a nasty business. Who’s there? Is it everyone?”
“We got the regular heathens-“
“Boo!” Van yells, putting their foot in Lottie’s face, who rears it back with a laugh.
“Let us talk to Deb!” Nat shouts and takes a big drink before leaning toward Yumi to explain in low voices who Deb is and why they love her.
“Me, Nat, Van, Tai, we got Shauna, one of Nat’s neighbours and Jackie.” Lottie continues talking, Deb gasps down the line. She had heard what had happened with the wedding – the one that she wasn’t invited too, not that she expected too, but it would have been nice to at least get a mention – except that Marilyn and Dick (she agrees with Shauna on Dick’s nickname), were pretty tight-lipped on the matter.
“Charlotte Matthews! You didn’t tell me that Jackie was with you!”
“It’s a long story.”
“You hand her to me right now.”
Lottie’s wrist goes limp as she hands the phone to Jackie, who stares at it like her life depends on it, like it’s the only thing in the world. Jackie feels like a lifeline has been offered to her, Deborah Shipman, the woman who raised her more than her own parents, the woman who looked after scraped knees and said that crying was okay, and sometimes it was good to cry, her own parents always said that it was unbecoming to cry. Just down that phone, just down that line is her.
“Jackie, it’s Deb.”
She takes the phone and holds it to her ear, heart pounding and hands sweating. Jackie doesn’t even really know why; it’s just a phone, just in her hand, and yet it feels monumental. She clears her throat after what seems like an age (a few seconds) and answers.
“Hey.”
Her voice breaks in that single syllable and Shauna immediately stands. Jackie is known for emotion, she would cry if they won, cry if they lost, cry when she was drunk, cry if she was sober. She would get angry and sad and happy and feel things thoroughly and truly (unless it comes to noticing Shauna’s teasing grin, her strong shoulders, the way the sweat would drip down her stomach – which was slightly rounded, not the flat musculature of her and Tai, but no less wonderful to see; unless it came to Lottie’s height and the way she towered over everyone, Van’s grin and easy sense of self, solid body and strong hands that are somehow kind at the same time, Nat’s dimples and chest and, well, Jackie was never quite sure how to understand her feelings toward the other girls).
Shauna, even after all this time, can understand her nervous gait, her lip caught in a tooth, the phone cable wrapped around her hand and finger, she can feel the anxiety coming off her in waves. The others pick up on it too, but Shauna knows it, can feel it, she knows that she needs a comforting hand between her two shoulder blades, maybe even a kiss on her shoulder.
“Let’s give her some privacy.” She says, and the others’ reactions vary from proud to confused to rolling of eyes because Jackie and Shauna are the biggest rollercoaster known to man - that is, unsurprisingly, Van. They move as a conglomerate but they separate into small groups; at first Tai and Van whisper to each other (memories of their time previous and they wonder if they’ll be able to sneak their way to either apartment without anyone noticing), before Nat joins them. Yumi takes a moment to call one of her friends outside while Shauna and Lottie go to the kitchen. Shauna tries not to stare at Jackie as she speaks low into the phone
“Give Jackie a break.” Lottie says and Shauna’s brought back to the kitchen, she’s so close that Shauna can smell the vodka on her breath. She immediately becomes defensive, she hasn’t talked about it lot, hardly at all; but she was battered down and down and down until she broke. We both know, reader, that the way that she broke wasn’t the best or kindest way but Shauna already knows that, at the same time, the vindication she felt while taking something from Jackie was perfect.
“I haven’t done anything wrong.” She grumbles and Lottie gives her a look.
“Shauna, I love you, Jackie’s entire life has changed.”
“If she asks me a question, am I meant to lie? Should I let her be blissfully f*cking ignorant?”
“I don’t know Shauna, just sort yourself out.”
“You’re meant to be on my side.”
“There are no sides, you know that. I’m not telling you to drop to your knees and beg for forgiveness, I’m just telling you to back off a little, she’s got a lotta sh*t going on.”
The so do I, dies on Shauna’s tongue. Adam’s f*cking annoying but it’s not the same as anything Jackie has going on. It’s just that she has memories trapped in the pages of that book, annotations and understandings that could only be made by a hurt teenage girl, full of angsty pain and some pages with the ink bleeding from tears. You have to understand reader, that that book is just as much a journal as her actual journals. Shauna bites her tongue and deflates, trust Lottie to completely cut through her, to hold her to her own. Normally she would imagine Tai doing it, but not when it comes to Jackie, Taissa is caring and wonderful and wary, she’s been closer to the others than Jackie for a while now, and she’ll chose them over her if she had too. She opens her mouth to communicate something toward Lottie, something in thanks but Lottie shakes her head.
“It’s okay, I know.”
The window slams shut as Yumi comes back in, the sound is doubled by Jackie dropping the phone into it’s cradle and walking (although it was close to running if we’re being honest here reader) to take Yumi’s place where she was outside. Shauna looks to her like a meerkat popping out of the ground. Yumi immediately makes her way over to Lottie and Shauna. It’s not hard to see the way that Nat’s jaw works at the motion, the jealousy making her drink taste sour. You see, Yumi is not stupid, all of them have flirted with her and while, of all of them, Shauna is not only her type but the closest to actually get with her, Lottie has now fascinated her. And not only that, her relationship with Nat is clearly hinged on lingering what-ifs that haunt both of them into never doing anything. She’s seen this yearning before, she’s a lesbian for f*cks sake, her own friends are yearning so much that it’s almost a medical issue at this point. Anyway, she needs to do something, because this is painful to watch.
Now, we know that all of the remaining Yellowjackets in New York know that Lottie and Nat are head-over-heels for each other (except maybe Jackie but she has her own sh*t going on) and they’re all told each person of the couple that the other shares their feelings and nothing has ever come into fruition. But Yumi does not know that, in fact, she thinks that they’re either blind to the yearning or they’re over it. Shauna mumbles an excuse to make her way outside, leaving Lottie and Yumi face-to-face.
“Nat’s into you.”
“What? No, Nat’s into me like a friend is into me.”
Yumi throws back her head in laughter and Lottie blinks, what the f*ck is happening? Her radar for understanding and seeing is really running on empty at the moment. She can feel that Nat feels strongly toward her, but it’s definitely just in a friend way, like it’s the only way that could make sense, surely. Nat white-knuckles her glass at the sight, Yumi’s hand on Lottie’s shoulder, Lottie’s cute and slightly clueless expression. Van makes a whip noise and she struggles to hold back the punch that she could very easily guide to their kidneys.
“What are you doing?”
“Making her jealous.”
“Nat doesn’t get jealous.”
“You should see the way that she’s looking at us now.” Lottie turns her head to see Nat’s stare, hot and jealous and jaw clenched firmly shut. A cold hand presses against her jaw and brings her back to Yumi’s eyes. “See what I mean?”
“Yeah, I actually do.”
Lottie doesn’t allow herself a lot of romantic hope in her life, having dated few woman, one breaking up with her because of the pills she takes twice a day, another because of Nat and one she broke up with because she felt guilty over leading her on for so long, but a stirring of certainty begins in her stomach. A new edge to Nat’s mirror begins to be wiped clean, she changed her angle and sees potential that wasn’t there before.
Oh. Oh.
Anxiety begins to grip her.
“You okay?”
“Yeah, uh, I didn’t really think that she would, you know.”
“You know all of your friends have tried to get into my pants-“ Lottie winces at the phrasing. “-you’re all hot, and I would have if work wasn’t such a f*cking nightmare, don’t make that face, but Nat only really said one line and then left me alone. Sometimes she’ll grab my mail, sometimes she’s give me extras that she’s baked or whatever, she is into you. I’m kinda jealous, you’re hot sh*t Lottie.”
Lottie blushes and lets out a surprised laugh, much to Nat’s chagrin, who tries not to look at the two of them flirting but failing monumentally. She really does not want to think about them together, about theym near each other. She tries to hone in on the gentle bickering surrounding a movie between Van and Tai about a movie but the two of them in the kitchen are like a mosquito that won’t leave her alone. Nat looks outside, seeing Jackie’s back shuddering in the low light in what must be tears, and she takes a step to maybe comfort her (selfishly it might take away from the pain of watching Lottie flirt with someone else) and is only stopped by the sight of Shauna ducking out her window.
Shauna’s hands are sweating as she takes her step outside, the air has cooled since she was out here earlier and she spots the goosebumps that are gently making their way across the skin of Jackie’s arms. She clears her throat and makes her way toward the other woman, as someone would approaching an apex predator.
“Are you, uh, are you okay?” Shauna asks and Jackie turns to her, scoffing out a bitter laugh and her arms flying about. She is really getting déjà vu from when Jackie last approached her on this balcony.
“Does it f*cking look like I’m okay? God.” She rolls her eyes and wiped under them with her thumbs, the way her mother taught her to wipe her tears away, the ladylike way. “Are you just going to stand there? Or are you going to leave? Leave me f*cking alone Shauna, run – it’s way you always do.”
Shauna really wanted to do better this time, but it’s goddamn hard when she’s being like this, how does she be the ‘bigger person’ when both of them are so set on taking the low road?
“Oh f*ck off Jackie, you made it pretty clear you didn’t want me around.”
This make Jackie stop for a moment. The call with Deb had been wonderful, it had been affirming and it has been so kind that Jackie was almost overwhelmed. How on earth could someone as lovely as Deb create someone who could be as cruel as Shauna? The worst part is that sometimes Shauna can be lovely, she can be sweet and kind and soft, and offer arms to wrap around when she needed. And then she’ll turn around and throw the worst parts of herself back at her. A part of Jackie wonders if she is the same, if she’ll switch on a dime or if she has changed at all. A new set of tears pricks against Jackie’s eyes.
“Why didn’t you stay? Why didn’t you-“
“Beg for your forgiveness?” Shauna’s voice is hard, disbelieving.
“You make me sound so-“
“What?”
“Bratty. Righteous, self-f*cking-important.”
“I’m sorry!” Shauna says, more like shouts and doesn’t realise how loud she’s being until she hears her own voice echo around some of the buildings. She takes a deep breath, counting to ten in her head and Jackie watches as her fist clenches and unclenches in a rhythm she doesn’t understand. This is different, this is new, she files it away in her head. Shauna lets in a hiccupping breath before finishing what she was going to say. “I realised that I never said sorry, for everything.”
“I want you to say it, please, just say it Shauna.”
Shauna’s pride almost stops her saying it, the words almost gets stuck between her teeth, trapped in her throat but she takes a short breath, she sees Jackie’s expectant eyes. She remembers them shining with hurt, she remembers what she did; she did it for a reason, it was a sh*t reason but she still has a reason. Jackie needs to hear it, she can’t just hear a blanket apology, she has to hear everything.
“I’m sorry for sleeping with Jeff, I’m sorry for hurting your feelings, I’m sorry for being mean, I’m just- I’m f*cking sorry, Jackie.”
She didn’t know what she expected when she heard Shauna say those words, maybe some clarity that she didn’t get earlier but it still doesn’t. Shauna sounds earnest, she is telling the truth, she is sorry, she is apologetic but Jackie still can’t bring herself to forgive her, words can’t undo the pain, the anguish, they can’t undo what it caused Jackie to do in the long run. How it made her run back to Jeff and exist with him for so long.
“I can’t forgive you, I don’t know if I ever will.”
“Okay.” Shauna sniffs and tries to hold back her tears. Jackie expects her to blow up, she expects her to shout and cry and get angry but she doesn’t, if anything she collapses on herself. It makes Jackie’s own chest folding in, half her heart begging to stop Shauna’s pain, the other half revelling in it; the instincts she used to have suddenly taking a hold of her. Despite it all, reader, she doesn’t fall into the feeling, she stays strong. Shauna clears her throat and steps away from Jackie, a hand resting on the window. “Just, let’s not fight around the others, it’s uh, making them uncomfortable.”
The window slams shut, as Shauna returns inside and immediately goes to the bathroom to get herself together (read: cry).
The lights flutter back on across the city, the stars disappearing once again and a short cheer erupts throughout across the block. Those inside blink, their eyes adjust to the light and there’s a domino effect that happens:
First, Yumi steps away from Lottie, as if they were doing anything, but it doesn’t stop Nat from almost breaking her teeth as she clenches her jaw aggressively. And then Van nods her hand to the door, them and Tai deciding to go back to Van’s apartment. Jackie comes in and Shauna leaves the bathroom with red-rimmed eyes and they spend their time on opposite sides of the room.
The resounding effect of this evening may seem minimal right now, reader, but I promise you, there is a butterfly that has been stepped on.
